For a very long time I’ve felt as if I don’t belong anywhere. I feel so disconnected from the life activities of other people. I’ve been out of the workplace for four years now. So I am not a worker. I am estranged from my siblings and my parents are dead. I feel awkward and disconnected from other people. My son is a teenager and is hell-bent on independence.
I’m living in the bedroom of a friend and my son shares a room with her son. While I could look at this as something to be grateful for I see it as evidence of my failure. I fear any day she will tell me that she can’t handle us being here anymore. I have a very small amount of money, perhaps enough to rent somewhere nearby. But I can’t fathom living here in this town. My son hates it too. My friend offered to let us live here in order to help us out and I fear that if I move somewhere else that she will see it as a betrayal of her help. She feels it would be best if we moved close by so that she can help with my head strong son. My son and her son look out for each other and I think her feelings are somewhat motivated by that, that this could benefit them during high school. I can see the potential benefit of this as well. But we are 90 minutes away from what I would call “life”. I feel like living here will slowly kill my soul.
I’m so overwhelmed by my problems. There are so many I don’t know where to begin. I feel as if life has been conspiring against me for many years now.
It’s so difficult for me to be at the mercy of my body on a day-to-day basis. When I wake up in the morning my body is full of pain. For about 6 months I have been on a mission to recover and work again. It started with bee venom therapy. With the help of someone I stung myself with bees over a two month period. I slowly made my way up to 12 stings 3 days a week. I saw some improvements and started to believe I was going to make my way out of this hell I’ve been living.
But then my thyroid hormones crashed and got severely depressed. I stopped stinging. My son started changing dramatically and was aided in his teenager ways by my lack of ability to respond. I saw a Dr. who confirmed my thyroid was way out of whack. I was encouraged by this because I knew that getting my thyroid back in balance would help me feel better. I started taking T3 again in addition to T4 and I started thinking I was really going to get better and make progress. I tried hard to get my thoughts in the right place.
I think it’s really important to keep thoughts about the illness positive. But I don’t always succeed at this. When I have a lot of symptoms I often start thinking that this is Lyme resurfacing, and that there is no way out of this unrelenting hell. I did about a year of antibiotics off and on without much improvement. I’ve been to dozens of doctors and specialists. None of these avenues have provided much relief with the exception of drugs to mask symptoms.
So I was charging along and I felt like I was going to think my way out of this thing. I started some new supplements. I noticed small improvements. I moved in anticipation of attempting to return to work. It’s not like I felt great or anything. But I had some fairly good days here and there. The weekend before last I had two really good days. But then that Monday I woke up feeling horrific. I felt like I had some kind of virus/allergy attack. My nose wouldn’t stop running. But the worst part was I felt all over intense body pain. I also felt like I couldn’t think. My doctor had raised my thyroid dose to a higher level than I had been on in a long time. I was down with it because I know that stabilizing my thyroid is the key to any sense of well-being I may experience. I had been on the higher dose for one week, and overnight I felt like I lost any ground I had gained in the past few months. It’s been a week now but my symptoms have only slightly improved. I feel like the virus is still at work. Nothing seems to be helping my pain. My brain is slow as molasses. I’ve been feeling like suicide would be a good option. I’m not going to do it because of my son.
Very small improvements seem to be followed by severe setbacks. This has seemed to be the case for years now. I have no hope. I feel like I don’t matter to anyone. I feel like I am in a constant state of grief over all the things that have happened over the last several years. I think it’s too late for me to be able to find my way out of this. I feel like I am on my way to homelessness. I think other people see me as worthless. Life is a merry-go-round that I watch other people ride. Surely I must deserve this situation. I created this loneliness and this alone-ness. My hate for myself and who I have become knows no bounds. I am pathetic. I pray for death.