One of the advantages of having a blog, I suppose, is that you have somewhat of a record of your progress. That is, if you don’t have a daily symptom log like my doctor wants me to have. I just read my last post from two months ago and although I can vividly remember feeling that way at the time, I feel much differently now. For instance, I’m not fantasizing about green hoses and carbon monoxide. And I can even see some humor in that and have compassion for myself at the same time. That, and the fact that I am able to write, are literally miracles if I have my perspective on right.
I SO need some kind of external validation that things are on a uphill course, however gradual. Just knowing that things are on some kind of course is helpful. For so long now, until recently, it has just seemed like perpetual suffering. Once you have had Lyme & Co you can say, “Yeah, I have walked through the valley of death”. Has anyone ever said to you, (or have you ever said to yourself), “At least it’s not cancer”? Don’t kid yourself. It’s just as bad as cancer, and in some ways worse.
But hey, lets not get lost in the quicksand of it all. About two months ago, I marked one year of living with a Lyme & Co diagnosis. A lot has changed. I’ve learned a lot. Right now, mentally, I’m not in a bad place. And I’d say that today anyway, things aren’t horrible on the physical side either. Like I mentioned earlier, writing is something I have not been able to do in a long time and here I am doing it. There is a long road ahead, I understand that now. And there is not a magic solution anywhere to be found.
You can’t solve Lyme with your mind, but your mind will tell you that you can. Reading that sentence over and over gives a good example of the state of my mind over the last 5 years of living with chronic illness. Throughout my life, I’ve solved many problems and climbed many mountains with my brain and my ability to do, perform, and accomplish. For the first three years or so, my goal was to return to my prior over-functioning state. With that particular mindset I hit a lot of concrete walls.
I’m not well by any means. There are more tests, doctors and medical crap in my near future. But one of the reasons I’m doing better is that I made a conscious decision to take my health into my own hands. If I am in my body enough and follow my intuition I can often tell what my body needs. I realized I was hyperthyroid, which happens a lot because I have no thyroid gland and my levels fluctuate all over the place on a regular basis. My mental health is really dependent on the proper level of thyroid and I don’t seem to notice that its gone hyper or hypo until its gotten way out of range. Blah, blah blah. Do you ever get tired of talking about your health issues? I do. After awhile it can feel like there is no life left, only illness.
I also decided to stop taking all oral antibiotics and rely only on herbal remedies after I had two experiences with (sorry for the TMI) having burning poop leaking out of my butt. That’s the best way I know how to say that. Lyme disease isn’t pretty, we all know that by now. Lyme & Co have apparently taken up residence in my right jaw, I might have a cavitation there, and now my TMJ joint is dislocated. I’ve been sitting in front of an infrared light I got at the hardware store and I think it helps with all of the head pain and stuffiness I have. Definitely the cheapest Lyme treatment I’ve encountered.
I want to work on my diet. I’ve been good at eliminating all the major offenders like gluten, etc. You know the list. My problem is adding back in. My appetite has been returning a bit lately and I really want to add more vegetables to my diet. I’m the skinniest I’ve ever been in my like a bag of bones. Just in time for Halloween though!
My Lyme Dr had to do a test regarding my mental status yesterday. It was alarming to me to see my brain become blank and literally shut down when asked to perform simple things. My Dr. says that can improve and I am trying to take her word for it because otherwise I will just add it to my already overwhelming worry pile.
Included in my worry pile are my diminishing finances, we all know that goes along with Lyme. There I go again. Back to the quicksand. Don’t want to go there today.
Time for my daily Epsom salt bath, served with a side of dry brushing and a few hits of Red Congolese.