Welcome to Lyme 102. I haven’t written Lyme 101 yet but there are bits of it woven through my prior posts. I may write it one day. But for now there is a post that wants to pour out of me, and I’m hoping I can write it without getting in the way. Deep breath. Here goes.
I’ve changed Lyme Doctors since I wrote last. It was a difficult decision. Who wants to start over with someone new? Who wants to start over with someone new that is going to cost $600 plus bucks after I already dropped 1000 bucks on the last one? For awhile I just got stuck in not knowing where to go or which way to turn. Now I know this is a normal stage in Lyme 101.
The reasons I needed to change my original Lyme doc are as follows:
1. It was several hours away and driving increases my pain.
2. Lack of follow-up or of a clear straight forward treatment plan (IMHO).
3. Sneezing in the direction of the provider’s office cost me a few hundred bucks without any real benefit except someone in the medical profession validating that I do have Lyme and my symptoms are Lyme symptoms. (yay?!)*
*My Lyme (my lyme, could this be a good rap song title?) is complicated by the fact that the little spirochete M&Fer’s (SMF’S) chewed up my thyroid and subsequently the White Coats took it out. This didn’t bother the SMF’S too much, they’re not picky about what they eat. They just started chewing on other things like rats who chew through the wires in the engine of a car that’s been sitting for too long. Your thyroid gland is like the air traffic controller of your body’s hormones. So officially there is an air traffic control strike going on in my body and a whole lot of crashing airplanes. Does anyone have a fire extinguisher?
Finally, I just made a decision that I needed to be under a doctor’s care that understood Lyme and that if I didn’t see someone, whether the previous provider or a new one, I was putting my health at risk. I have a friend who has Lyme and loves her doctor, so I decided to see him. The decision was made of desperation and intuitive guidance that said, “the cost is irrelevant”. Like most with Lyme, I have no job anymore, no income. I’m living on credit cards. That’s how I’m funding my Lyme treatment. Because seriously, what else am I gonna do? Sit down on the corner in my pajamas in the very rich community I live in with a cardboard sign that says, “Got Lyme?”
Sometimes the things you have to do to support your healing may not look logical from the outside. I imagine from the outside, to some people my life looks like a disastrous train wreck. When I start thinking along these lines I get sicker and sicker, worrying about how people view me now that my life has been leveled by Lyme.
I have other people in my life and in my head who have shown me support in a way that can only be described as divine. These people are my healers and I have been sent many along this four-year journey. I can count the many who have harmed me or I can revel in the love that my healers have shown me.
Lyme is like experiencing a nuclear blast that targets and deconstructs your self. You know, that person you used to know. The person who knew what it was like to feel even reasonably well, the achiever, the doer, the caretaker, the lover, the healer, the absorber. Add here whatever you recall about that self. Because in spite of the fact that you have been deconstructed, a new self is slowing being erected within you. What’s so alarming about this is that it’s scary, it’s completely unknown, it doesn’t make sense and there are few who will support your journey and many who will condemn it. You can’t force or rush healing, and the journey is exceedingly slow (use the construction of the World Trade Towers Memorial as a timeline to gauge your progress).
Sometimes, the veil lifts and I see the profound spiritual journey I am undertaking. Lyme is an invitation to find your true self again. However, it will look very little like the self you remember. Especially if that self was built on the idea that your worth was connected to your ability to perform, your ability to sexually engage others, or your ability to hide your true feelings in order to spare the world of your existence. Your reconstructed self will not apologize for taking up space and using oxygen on this-worldly plane.
Think back, long ago, to your creation and your early years of being in this body. What made you happy? What made you feel connected? What were your interests, your loves, and most especially, who were you before your innocence was stolen?
The most important things I do now for my recovery are not related to Doctors (Lyme or not), which protocol I’m using, which supplements I’m taking, or what the most recent lab test or procedure has demonstrated. Those things are all important for healing the physical aspect of this illness. The mental aspects are also very important (addressing circulating toxic thoughts, and recognize that Lyme makes you do, think, believe, behave, and emote in ways that you wouldn’t otherwise). Re-watch the movie “The Mask” with Jim Carrey and whenever he is green, he has Lyme). It’s a very good illustration of the nature of the illness.
My most profound healing has come from my teachers (and by the way, I’m still sick as hell). The only pathway that is right, right now is the one I must walk while I am still suffering. I must live even though I feel as if I am dying. I must deliver any messages I am intended to deliver. I must express my true feelings by writing, singing, playing my guitar, calling trusted friends, and risking being vulnerable with my son and my partner. Most importantly, I must use my camera and I MUST PAINT. I must not dwell on thoughts of “when I get well or will I get well?” These are rat traps for me instead of the SMF’S.
I must risk being a channel for the divine to come through. That is my original purpose and why I was born. I was born to help people. And there are so many ways to do this that nourish instead of deplete me. I need to be mindful of which is which.
Creating*, in all forms, is the cure. Whatever creating means to you. Creating aligns you with your true purpose. If you deny your true purpose, or attempt to block it, or allow fear to block it, or block it because unknowingly you don’t believe you are worthy of it, your physical body will suffer and your original essence will be vanquished.
*Why does creating heal? Because when you are truly engaged with it, your thinking mind is subdued and may even go to sleep, and your body is more receptive to healing.