A lot has happened since my last post. My last post was about my visit with my Primary Care Doctor who is a LIMD (Lyme Ignorant Medical Doctor). I’ve coined this term to cover the White Coats who are not versed in Lyme. I’m not using it as a way to bash anyone. After all, ignorance is simply lacking knowledge. That doesn’t mean that some of my prior doctors shouldn’t be bashed. But seriously, I can’t stress my adrenals anymore by focusing on the people who have caused me harm along the road of this Lyme life. Suffice to say there have been many.
In spite of my efforts to reject my LIMD’s commentary about Lyme (she told me the LLMD’s are just trying to take my money), it seems my subconscious had other ideas. Once again I started thinking that I don’t have Lyme, or any illness. The end result of this kind of thinking is the conclusion that I am just one unworthy broken pile of shit and that everything I feel is simply a product of my crazy mind and my inability to deal with the everyday problems of life. Even as I write this it seems laughable but when I am convinced of this it seems nothing else can get in. In other words, the only reason I am not getting well or that I got sick to begin with is because of my own faults. At this point all of the people who have harmed my along the way become “right” and I replay their judgments over and over in my mind. The HMO doctors, my prior employer, my family members, my son’s school teachers and my Ex.
After my thyroid was destroyed by some unknown cause (Aliens, perhaps?), I had it surgically removed last year. Sometimes I think this was the worse decision I have made thus far in the Lyme life. The following months have been the worst of my life. There have been times when I have been able to string together a few good days. But mostly its been some kind of a psychotic roller coaster ride between the frantic panic-stricken hyperactive extremely distracted hyperthyroid and the dark suicide inspiring unable to get to of bed hypothyroidism. That’s exactly where I was when I last saw my LIMD. Thinking of the neon green hose on my balcony and how easily it would fit into the exhaust pipe of my mini van. I would park in a place where it would be discovered by police or something, but not anyone who knows me or who could be devastated by the discovery. In other words, it would not happen anywhere near my home.
I’ve tried virtually every thyroid medicine made, including one made in some exotic lab in Switzerland, Armour, Naturethroid, blah, blah, blah. I’ve tried adding T3, which eventually leads to me feeling like there is an electrical current running through my body and the softest sound becomes a nail scratching against the metal of my brain casing. Even the sound of the water hitting the metal kitchen sink is too much to bear. And any artificial light feels like an interrogation light shining directly into my brain cells. I’ve had hundreds of ice pick headaches, sometimes accompanied by projectile vomiting. After a six month hiatus, I had to start taking Vicodin again to take the edge off my burning nerve endings. Sudden unexplained bouts of rage are a regular occurrence. And every once in a while it all culminates in uncontrollable crying, usually in a public place. The last two times this happened it has been at the pharmacy counter.
OK. I need to stop describing the symptoms. It doesn’t help me, it probably doesn’t help you, and even as I was writing it my pain started to get worse. I had to get up and walk around a bit, eat something, shift my perspective. I think about my symptoms way too much. Granted, its hard not to. Plus I’m getting caught up in details trying to say everything I need to say. Soon I will get overwhelmed, judge my post thus far as worthless and not post it.
Speaking of posts, recently a few people have stopped by and written comments on some of my posts. These comments came at a time when I really needed them. They were brilliant flashes of light signaling that perhaps there is still some purpose left for me to serve. Thank you to each of you who took the time to give them. They mean a lot.
I’m going to stop for now and post this in spite of the fact that it only scratches the surface. The possibility of leaving the house today beckons me and I want to take the opportunity before I get to feeling too sick to do so. I have much more to say, so I hope to make it back here soon.