A lot has happened since my last post. My last post was about my visit with my Primary Care Doctor who is a LIMD (Lyme Ignorant Medical Doctor). I’ve coined this term to cover the White Coats who are not versed in Lyme. I’m not using it as a way to bash anyone. After all, ignorance is simply lacking knowledge. That doesn’t mean that some of my prior doctors shouldn’t be bashed. But seriously, I can’t stress my adrenals anymore by focusing on the people who have caused me harm along the road of this Lyme life. Suffice to say there have been many.

In spite of my efforts to reject my LIMD’s commentary about Lyme (she told me the LLMD’s are just trying to take my money), it seems my subconscious had other ideas. Once again I started thinking that I don’t have Lyme, or any illness. The end result of this kind of thinking is the conclusion that I am just one unworthy broken pile of shit and that everything I feel is simply a product of my crazy mind and my inability to deal with the everyday problems of life. Even as I write this it seems laughable but when I am convinced of this it seems nothing else can get in. In other words, the only reason I am not getting well or that I got sick to begin with is because of my own faults. At this point all of the people who have harmed my along the way become “right” and I replay their judgments over and over in my mind. The HMO doctors, my prior employer, my family members, my son’s school teachers and my Ex.

After my thyroid was destroyed by some unknown cause (Aliens, perhaps?), I had it surgically removed last year. Sometimes I think this was the worse decision I have made thus far in the Lyme life. The following months have been the worst of my life. There have been times when I have been able to string together a few good days. But mostly its been some kind of a psychotic roller coaster ride between the frantic panic-stricken hyperactive extremely distracted hyperthyroid and the dark suicide inspiring unable to get to of bed hypothyroidism. That’s exactly where I was when I last saw my LIMD. Thinking of the neon green hose on my balcony and how easily it would fit into the exhaust pipe of my mini van. I would park in a place where it would be discovered by police or something, but not anyone who knows me or who could be devastated by the discovery. In other words, it would not happen anywhere near my home.

I’ve tried virtually every thyroid medicine made, including one made in some exotic lab in Switzerland, Armour, Naturethroid, blah, blah, blah. I’ve tried adding T3, which eventually leads to me feeling like there is an electrical current running through my body and the softest sound becomes a nail scratching against the metal of my brain casing. Even the sound of the water hitting the metal kitchen sink is too much to bear. And any artificial light feels like an interrogation light shining directly into my brain cells. I’ve had hundreds of ice pick headaches, sometimes accompanied by projectile vomiting. After a six month hiatus, I had to start taking Vicodin again to take the edge off my burning nerve endings. Sudden unexplained bouts of rage are a regular occurrence. And every once in a while it all culminates in uncontrollable crying, usually in a public place. The last two times this happened it has been at the pharmacy counter.

 

OK. I need to stop describing the symptoms. It doesn’t help me, it probably doesn’t help you, and even as I was writing it my pain started to get worse. I had to get up and walk around a bit, eat something, shift my perspective. I think about my symptoms way too much. Granted, its hard not to. Plus I’m getting caught up in details trying to say everything I need to say. Soon I will get overwhelmed, judge my post thus far as worthless and not post it.

Speaking of posts, recently a few people have stopped by and written comments on some of my posts. These comments came at a time when I really needed them. They were brilliant flashes of light signaling that perhaps there is still some purpose left for me to serve. Thank you to each of you who took the time to give them. They mean a lot.

I’m going to stop for now and post this in spite of the fact that it only scratches the surface. The possibility of leaving the house today beckons me and I want to take the opportunity before I get to feeling too sick to do so. I have much more to say, so I hope to make it back here soon.

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7 thoughts on “The White Coats

  1. Hi C. U. So good to hear you are still out there. Check out a yahoo group called lyme_and_rife@yahoogroups.com. It has excellent information about MMS. My suggestion is that you follow the comments on the group for a few months. I am ready to try this treatment approach on myself first then perhaps on my daughter if I can figure out how to coordinate all the pieces and get her to cooperate. the stuff is supposed to taste terrible, and she is only 11. Good luck in your own progress. We are out here eager to read and share your misery!

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  2. First of all, i felt flat out like a piece of shit for the longest time. Like i must have done something really terrible to be in such a miserable position with health. Every move I made was agonizing. This disease as you clearly know has zero reasoning, and thats what you have to realize. There is no rationalizing the situation we are in. There is no way of making sense of it, or reasoning why it happened. It has one goal in mind, and that is to take over your body. Don’t let it. Even if you mess up in some way, don’t beat yourself up for it. I mean shit, i’ve been eating like CRAP the last 2 days and i’m paying for it but i’m still determined to push forward. Fall down seven times, stand up eight. Stay strong my friend, this too shall pass.

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  3. I’m so glad to see your post. Your perspective on chronic illness helps me with my battle. I needed this today. Thank you.

    Your posts have helped me better understand a family member’s Lyme after her recent diagnosis: I’ve been in the dark. This is helping a lot. She is following you now as well!

    I’ve been running support groups for chronic illnesses for almost a decade, and one thing I know about anything that causes chronic pain or seeps a grave amount of energy from the body: IT. WILL. LIE.
    It will cause depression, nasty thoughts, anxiety, loss of sleep, and probably will make you watch stupid television also. Whatever your CHANGED brain starts to tell you, remind yourself that you are under an influence of a monster.

    Keep hanging in and reaching up.
    abodyofhope

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  4. Sounds incredibly shitty and a lot like a good friend of mine went through before she started Lyme treatment. My lyme was completely different and luckily my thyroid seems unaffected *touch wood*.

    Anyway, just thought I’d say hi, with treatment it WILL get better, so hang in there.

    Louise

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  5. Hi CU,
    Please try not to doubt yourself! It is hard for sure but you are physically sick. I had the same doubts and sometimes I still do, but you know yourself and you know you are ill. Keep strong!! We are here if you need to talk. Treatment will help!

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  6. I am just catching up on your blog as I thought I had subscribed a couple weeks ago, but I hadn’t. I fixed that tonight…

    I think it is important to talk about symptoms, and let it all out. I appreciate posts like this, because it makes me feel like I am not alone, and God knows this can be a lonely disease. So, thank you for that… (((hugs)))

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