It’s been a very stressful few days. At the end of last week I found out my son needed surgery on his broken hand. He had the surgery on Tuesday. It went well and he is OK. He and I were driving home from the surgery when suddenly I saw flashing lights behind me.
I drive like a grandma. I used to have a lead foot. I was always in a hurry, always late, and always trying to get somewhere as quick as possible. Those days are long gone. So when I saw the motorcycle cop I thought at first that he couldn’t be after me. I was wrong.
I pulled over and he knocked on the passenger side window while I was digging through my glove box looking for my registration and insurance info.
I rolled down the window. “Any reason why you just ran that red light?” he asked.
“Whaat?! I had no idea…. My son just had surgery and….”
“I need your license and registration,” he said. I handed him my license. I remembered pulling my registration and insurance info out of the car awhile ago and most likely not returning it to the glove box. It could be in any number of random piles of paper that are all over my house. He lumbered back to his motorcycle with my license. He came back with the ticket. As we drove away I erupted into rage.
Earlier that day I had received a call from my son’s pediatrician informing me that they had tested my son for Strep, that the results were “normal” and therefore the diagnosis of PANS/PANDAS was ruled out. I’ve done my own research online. There is solid scientific information on the internet indicating that what they told me was untrue. My son’s pediatrician continues to inform me that she feels outside of her scope when it comes to my son and what she sees as his psychiatric issues. She wants me to take my son to a psychiatrist before she sees him again. There are no psychiatrists in the area that are accepting new patients that take my insurance. The best I can get is a waiting list that is months long.
I saw the look on my son’s doctors face and the psychologist we saw. They clearly see me as a mother in denial who doesn’t want to accept that her son is suffering from severe mental illness. I feel their judgment and I’m tired of it.
And then this cop, out of the blue. To make matters worse I had been pulled over by him a year ago for going 25 mph in a 20 mph school zone. I questioned his judgement then and I question it now. I have no recollection of running a red light. I will fight this ticket and will most likely lose. I’m not going to admit to doing something when I have no recollection of doing it.
The cop handed me a ticket with a price tag of $265.00. While doing so he lectured me about getting my driver’s license and registration moved to this state. I haven’t done it yet because I haven’t been able to afford it. Well now even the possibility of being able to afford it are out of the question.
To top things off I have been feeling extremely sick. After I somewhat recovered from taking the methotrexate I decided to start taking low dose naltrexone again. It made me really sick before so I decided to start with a really low dosage and keep it there for at least a month. I’ve been keeping the dosage low but I have been getting increasingly more sick with each passing day. Finally yesterday I had to stop taking it.
I’ve had a constant headache. My brain is completely fogged in. The pain all over my body has been intense and at times unbearable. None of my regular remedies are helping. The fatigue is incomprehensible. Sleeping does not make me feel rested. I have zero appetite and only eat because I make food for my son. I’m constantly weak and trembling.
After the ticket I just felt an explosion of anger at things I don’t believe I deserve. Why is all of this happening? What I am doing wrong to deserve all of this hardship? I know life doesn’t work like that but I want this nightmare to be over. I’m tired of just existing and basically waiting to die. I’m tired of chasing answers regarding the health of my son and myself and getting nowhere. I’m tired of the constant grey skies, cold, and rain here that make my symptoms and my son’s symptoms extremely worse. I’m tired of living in a town so tiny that you can get pulled over by the same small town overzealous cop twice. I’m tired of constant injustice. I’m tired of everything.